Enneagram

My Enneagram Proposal Supplanting the Original by G.I. Gurdjieff

The Mystic G.I. Gurdjieff was the first to introduce the concept of the Enneagram over 100 years ago. He believed that mankind is composed of certain distinctive personality types. Each having its own unique adaption to the energies in the universe. Each personality type has a number of key characteristic features, attributes, strengths. This gives them leverage and power over other personality types. However all personality types also have key weaknesses which make them vulnerable. They can be easily caught and leveraged upon with the right snares. Gurdjieff identified nine distinct personality types (as shown below). Each having their own unique adaption to the needs and demands of the universe. So they all evolve along certain mental, emotional and physical trajectories.

My firm belief is that Gurdjieff was a tremendous optimist of mankind and human nature. The nine personality types he originally identified are no longer relevant to the world we live in today. In fact, they have become an endangered species. The world has changed tremendously in the last 100 years. I have therefore created a new improved Enneagram, (as shown) that stands in stark contrast to that of Gurdjieff's. But I feel it is more relevant and modern. It better reflects the circus animal arena we now live in. Please click the links to see where you fit.

WHAT IS YOUR ENNEAGRAM TYPE? - CLICK TO FIND OUT!

1. THE BIMBO

Attributes : Clueless, Witless, Tactless, Bon-Vivant.

Loves:

Pressing her nipples up against the window on rainy days and then looking out in awe.
Creating multi-car pileups while doing her nails, then driving on unaffected.
Always sporting the deer caught in the Headlights look.
Starting out fresh each day, as if it is the first day of her life. It very much is since she has forgotten everything she learned yesterday.

Hates:

The frustration of trying to pump gas using the air machine for the tires.
Waking up each day and having to figure it out all over again.
Airport X-Ray full body scanners, that can detect her soybean breast implants.

Key Enemy : The Leach

Who never fails to take full advantage of the Bimbo’s witlessness. His tentacles are firmly suckered to her bank account and he very progressively drys her out while she is doing her nails.

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2. THE LEACH / INDULGER

Attributes : Spineless Opportunist, Soaker, Mooch, Calculating Miscreant of Mankind.

Loves:

Convincing you they are happening pulp to deflect from their primary intention, which is mooching of you.
Hookers and blow paid for on another’s dime.
Ticketless travel into oblivion and blackout.
Crashing parties and barbecues for freebies.
Knowing there is always another victim to hit up and prey upon.
Dallying in Thievery and Extortion.
Presenting themselves as the proverbial ‘Good Time’s Friend’.

Hates:

Hates rainy days and Mondays. Everyone is at work making it harder to leach.
Banging heads with a Scotsman while picking a penny from the floor.

Key Enemy : The Victim

Whose constant tales of woe and injustice make it harder to leach.

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3. THE PSYCHOPATH

Attributes : Blank Indifference, Mercilessness, Emotionless, Insensitivity, Remorselessness, Incapacity to Love or Empathize, Superficial Charm, Often extremely egocentric.

Loves:

The pile-up of destroyed lives and mangled bodies they leave in the rear view mirror.
The Joie-de-Vivre of not having to take the game of life too seriously. Having zero emotional investment in the outcome of events, one way or another.
A guilt free life they continue to enjoy, despite their many crimes against humanity.
Chaos, War and Genocides – all wonderful active environments in which they thrive.

Hates:

Emotional Intelligence Tests.
Being found out and having to move on.
Being asked how they feel. They think this is a trick question.
Being told by a psychiatrist that their suave coolness under fire is due to previous lobotomies in the limbic chamber of their brains, in which space-aliens swallowed whole sections with a nice Chianti.

Key Enemy : The Critic

Who is always finding fault with their emotional numbness, anti-social behavior, insincerity and total lack of roots and values.

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4. THE CRITIC

Attributes : Condemnatory, Judgmental, High Horsed, Snooty, Opinionated, Caustic, Vitriolic, Guilt Directing, Pessimistic;

Loves:

Living a noisy and belligerent life of ferocious discontent.
Enjoys destroying all your self-confidence and self-belief and brutally cutting you by the legs.
Attending venting feasts where they can vomit out their bile in buckets.
Being immune to their own poison.
Politicians, administrators, scientists and artists, all of whose eccentric behaviors give them a reason to live, croak and mud-sling.

Hates:

Not having enough stones.
Knowing they are artistically and creatively inept and will never produce anything worthwhile.
Knowing their caustic critical attitudes make them numerous enemies and will eventually lead to their savage self-destruction.
Rainy Days. On these they can be found indoors, staring out the glass and cursing at all the raindrops for falling in the wrong direction.
Those living perennially in sunshine and plodding aimlessly through life without any cares, animosities, anxieties or fears.
Those with “Life is Good” bumper stickers.

Key Enemy : The Two-Faced Prima-Donna

Who is too smooth for them and evades their head-on assaults. Prima-donnas deftly skirt around their all-consuming criticism to decimate, disempower and destroy the critic's credibility in all circles of influence.

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5. THE PRIMA-DONNA (Also Known as the Two-Faced)

Attributes : Self Glorifying, Vain, Narcissistic, Self-absorbed, Prejudicial, Easily Irritated, Two-Tongued, Silver-Tongued, Deceptive, Cunning, Dagger Orientated, Slippery, Avoids Head-on Conflict. Can present as a “nice” guy at times but do not be deceived.

Loves:

Spending rainy days in front of the mirror while Googling himself.
Never signing even a memo without appending all his credentials.
Proudly Decorating the walls of his office with all his awards, commendations, qualifications and patents etc.
Playing daggers behind closed doors and silently taking someone out of the picture without any hint of malicious gossip. Waits until you are down and out before kicking you in the b**ls.
Hijacking all your work and creativity and proudly proclaiming it as their own.
Affiliating with Groups, Associations and special people that are way out of their league.
Creating master social algorithms that enhance their specialness and credibility as well as sphere of influence.
Shoveling out the Bullshit and Mental manure through their crafty bifurcated tongues of deception.
Having expensive tastes. Driving cars they can ill afford. Ones whose monthly payment is above their entire salary. Indulging in expensive cheeses and wines, while their family goes starving.

Hates:

Having his vanity balloon suddenly punctured every now and then by a real Genius.
Getting clipped to a fixed time limit on speeches, presentations and wedding events.
The Bimbo suddenly turning up the break room and accidentally spilling a large cup of hot coffee down his loins.
The Bimbo, on those days that she rear-ends his prize car in the parking lot. It seems to happen everytime she attempts to do a 3-point turna and her nails simultaneously.
The Bimbo passing a witless remark, just as he is getting to his well-rehearsed punchline. One that foils his entire attempt at self-glorification.
The non-linear, unplanned and unthinking behavior of the Bimbo, that he cannot leverage or counter in any way.
Spending rainy days indoors by himself, going through a complete psychological breakdown from lack of attention.
Having to eat at low class fastfood joints, where he is likely to die faster from embarassment and humiliation than from fattyacids and GMOs.
Not having the latest model Car, Wife and i-Phone.

Key Enemy : The Psychopath.

Who is likely to destroy his pretty face and knock out a few of his pearly front veneers during some random bar-fight.

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6. THE VICTIM

Attributes : Feels Constantly Tortured and Crucified by Life, Incessant Complainer, Professional Fault Spotter. Perceives and Decodes Injustices and Conspiracies Everywhere. Cannot take any Personal Responsibility, Condemnatory and Grievance Laden, Bitter, Cynical, Sarcastic, Chronic Worrier.

Loves:

Looking out for ambulances going by.
Projecting the worse-possible outcomes to any situation.
Eagerly seeking out media channels that detail news stories on injustice, genocide, famine and various pandemics.
Searching long-lost library archives and local newspapers for tales of murder, rape and other esoteric information in the field of human carnage.
Spending Rainy days, moaning and groaning in his bedroom, missing work while crying into his pint. He may even be enjoying cutting on himself or trying to overdose.
On other rainy days, he can be found indoors listening to Leonard Cohen tapes and watching 911 video documentaries over and over.
Decorating his apartment to look like Dante’s inferno or some Medieval Gothic Hell.
Blaming the local dog in the neighborhood for his extreme psychological condition and random emotional meltdowns. This dog is also blamed for all his vices and drug dependencies.

Hates:

Insensitive types who no longer want to listen to his diatribes on the bleak human condition and the continuous streams of misfortune that besets mankind.
Various progressive types who do not wallow on the cross, feeling themselves continuously crucified and tortured by life.
All information that comes through the senses. He hates the sea of gibberish that is constantly streaming through his mind. All those distorting beliefs he holds that condemn him to feeling like an out-of-control lunatic on psychoplanet.
Diseases, Genital warts, Pandemics, Epidemics, Health Screenings, Breathing, Eating, People, News, Waking Up, Sleeping, The Body, Death, Life, Space-time, people with bad fashion sense or exhibiting Extreme Halitosis.

Key Enemy : The Fire-Bomber.

Who is most instrumental in randomly perpetuating all those injustices by which the victim feels crucified. It is a horrible synergistic relationship, oscillating between hate and love. The fire-bomber breathes life into the victim and yet the fire-bomber mistrusts the victim for correctly capturing and snapshotting all injustices and deceitful actions.

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THE PESSIMIST

Attributes : Cynical, Sour, Dour, Gloomy, Sullen, Morbid, Constantly sees through a Darkened Glass, De-Energizer of mankind and animals, Closed-Minded, Mistrustful, Suspicious, Prophet of Doom and Gloom, Perennial Chicken Little Raising Alarms and Predicting the sky is about to fall down.

Loves:

Sharing Tales of Misery. Predicting impending Disasters, Pandemics and Stock Market Crashes.
Imputing the worst possible motives in everyone in any given situation.
Attending Random Funerals or people he does not know. Reading the Obituary columns in the newspaper each morning.
Going to Parties and Dinner Events with the Victim, where they can commiserate all night on the crisis facing mankind.
On Rainy Days and Nights the pessimist can be seen on his balcony cursing the Heavens and Stars above. Or else he may be found down an alley, kicking the village cat in the groin that he has just rolled over. On Sunny days he is often predicting ice-storms, earthquakes and intergalactic assaults on the global air conditioner. He may also be predicting torrents of lizards and snakes and one-legged prostitutes.
Being a Doomsday Prepper; Building Underground Shelters and feasting his kids on a stable nutritionally packed diet of snails, cockroaches and termites.

Hates:

Hearing Laughter or seeing anyone smile.
Humor that is not Dour, Black and Sarcastic.
Peacetime and Economic Booms.
Slick Willy Politicians that manage to stay in office.
Broken Gumball Machines.

Key Enemy : The Bimbo

Who seems to glide through life with ease, like a slithery opportunistic snake which easily molts that continuous mantle of misery he feels.

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THE SLUG

Attributes : Slothful, Shamelessly Self Indulgent, Expert Procrastinator, Dull, Tamasic, Olympian Gold Medalist in Low Energy States, Inertial, Usually Morbidly Obese and Double or Triple Chinned.

Loves:

Taking Siestas that can last for Years.
On Rainy Days they can be seen out by the Pool floating on an airbed, that they have not left since last summer.
Hiring out Life Support Machines to do all their breathing and feeding. Commandeering a Hospice Nurse to press the buttons on his remote control.
Vegetating and entering Delta Brain-Wave States.

Hates:

Yoga Bunnies and Ectomorphs.
The Horrific Thought of Pumping Gas.
Leaving the Apartment or even getting out of bed.
Going to the Toilet. This is quite the adventure and can raise their BP to Stage IV
Running out of McDonalds and Pizza.
The Thought of Thinking and the Thought of Thinking about Thinking and so on in a vicious infinite regression.
Flying and having to take over the five rows in an aircraft. Fortunately that has never happened this lifetime.

Key Enemy : The Critic

Who never stops complaining about the piles of beer, garbage, pizza and McDonalds outside his door attracting vermin.

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THE FIRE-BOMBER

Attributes : Inflamer, Inciter, Caustic, Choleric, Malicious Gossiper. Sucker Puncher, Sets fires and runs away, Coked out Chicken Syndrome, random Tweaking and Spasms.

Loves:

Placing bets at the bookies on the final death-toll numbers expected by scud missiles and chemical weapons detonating in foreign countries.
Chasing after Hurricanes and Tornadoes while driving naked on their Harley drinking vodka and smoking weed.
Climbing the large fountain in the center of the town and then urinating downwards on everyone . Then crying out Hula Hula Hula and “Who’s your Daddy?”.
On Rainy Days they will usually head outdoors and crash their SUVs into a nearby river, just to hog the frontcover of the local newspaper. Also generates a convenient excuse for missing work next day.

Hates:

The Doldrums of Life. In such times they will incessantly scratch themselves and pull out all their cuticles one-by-one. May even binge on a self-cutting episode.
The Mary Poppins Movie and “Friends”.
Having to sit all the way through a meeting without jumping on the table, tearing off all their clothes and grunting and grimacing like a chimpanzee.
Having to wait for the next pay-check before they can tear up the town and fill-up the jails again.

Key Enemy : The Slug

Who provides the Fire-bomber with no material to work with apart, from the McDonalds and pizza cartons he can torch. In fact, the slug doesn’t even believe the fire-bomber exists. He has never seen him on his couch smoking the peace pipe and so believes he is a fictional entity.

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